


Secret Desires

by Sourwolfhale



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, ace!yamaguchi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-02
Updated: 2015-12-02
Packaged: 2018-05-04 12:32:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5334224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sourwolfhale/pseuds/Sourwolfhale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamaguchi has a secret he desperately wants to let out. But in doing so, will he lose Tsukki?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secret Desires

Yamaguchi thought that dating Tsukki wasn’t all that different from being friends with Tsukki.

Every morning, at the junction where their two streets collided, they greet each other and walk to school together. They still had lunch together every day, and they continued to meet up after class to walk and attend volley practice together. And, like always, at the end of practice to walk home together to either to hang out or to study.

The only difference now was that upon seeing each other in the morning, the customary ‘hello’ was paired with a brief, but sweet, kiss. They also held hands as they walked to and from school together, and at the end of the day they would part with the same sweet kiss they started their mornings with.

Other differences were that their study sessions usually ended in some much need de-stressing, which usually came in the form of cuddling (which Yamaguchi was still pleasantly surprised by), and their lazy Sunday’s were spent on the couch or in Tsukki’s room as they watch another dinosaur documentary that Yamaguchi had sworn they had seen a hundred times before, but couldn’t complain when he was receiving long, lazy kisses.

But, Yamaguchi still thought that dating Tsukki wasn’t all that different from being friends with Tsukki, it just had some added benefits, and Yamaguchi knew this was the happiest he had ever been. 

…Or would have been if there wasn’t this one large dark cloud hanging over his head.

Lately, the lazy Sunday kisses had been turning more heated and intense, and in the post-study cuddle sessions, hands had started to wander. The once innocent and sweet touches were being something much more…daring as they trailed along the body and slowly under his clothes. These touches were filled with a sense of need and held a promise of something more. 

It was this something more which scared Yamaguchi half to death. 

Contrary to popular belief, Yamaguchi was not an idiot, nor was he naïve. He knew exactly what those touches and kisses meant and he knew that despite loving Tsukki with all his heart and soul, Yamaguchi knew he didn’t want what those touches were offering. 

'This is weird right?' Yamaguchi thought. As a healthy, young boy, shouldn’t Yamaguchi want these things? Surely every boy at his age wanted these things. So why didn’t he? Why couldn’t Yamaguchi get his body to respond right? Why is it, when he should have been feeling arousal, all he felt was fear and disgust? Why was it when things would start to get intimate with Tsukki, did Yamaguchi have the urge to run away?

But more importantly, how was Yamaguchi meant to tell Tsukki what he was feeling without losing him? 

These thoughts continued to plague the back of Yamaguchi’s mind as he studied with Tsukki one afternoon after school. Yamaguchi knew that once they had finished studying for the up-coming test on Monday that he and Tsukki would commence their new, post-study cuddling. And while Tadashi would usually be thrilled to snuggle up with Tsukki, he was struck with the fear of what might (or would) occur during that cuddling time.

Which is why Yamaguchi was taking an extra long time to complete his study. He knew for a fact all he was doing was prolonging the inevitable, but he had yet to find a way to confront Tsukki about his thoughts and feelings without thoroughly embarrassing himself and making Tsukki wonder why he was even putting up with someone broken like Yamaguchi in the first place and leave him. 

Yamaguchi was startled out of his dark and panic inducing thoughts by a pair of long arms wrapping around his middle. Long, sweat-pant covered legs came up beside his to cage him in and lips found their way to his neck, where they travelled up to his jaw, to his cheek, and then back down again, all as light as a feather. It sent pleasant shivers down Yamaguchi’s spine, but that alone did not overcome the feeling of fear and panic which has formed at the bottom of his gut. 

“T-Tsukki” Yamaguchi stuttered out, trying to wiggle away from Tsukki “we’re meant to be s-s-studying” 

Yamaguchi felt Tsukki snort softly against his neck, pausing in his exploring of Yamaguchi’s neck.

“We already know all of this stuff” Tsukki pointed out “why waste time studying what we already know?”

It was a question Yamaguchi had a feeling Tsukki wasn’t expecting an answer to. While Yamaguchi struggled with something to say back to Tsukki (which was difficult seeing as Tsukki had started his ministrations again), Tsukki was taking his silence to mean that he was correct and suddenly, the hands which were innocently resting around his middle were moving. They moved up and under Yamaguchi’s shirt to run along his torso, continuing upwards to brush over his nipples, pausing on momentarily before continuing up to reach Yamaguchi’s shoulders. The feather light touch of Tsukki’s lips turned harder, seemingly intent to leave a much more permanent mark on the skin of Yamaguchi’s neck. 

Yamaguchi was panicking, but it seemed that Tsukki hadn’t noticed that yet, which Yamaguchi wasn’t sure if he could count it as a blessing or a curse. What he did know was that he had to get himself out of this situation before things got too far. 

However, that was more easily thought of than done. While Yamaguchi was struggling to think up a way to get himself out of this situation without making Tsukki mad, Tsukki’s hands, previously up near Yamaguchi’s shoulder, had started their journey back down. It wasn’t until Tsukki got to the hem of his pants, fingers dipping just below, did Yamaguchi realise he was out of options and out of time. So Yamaguchi did the first thing he could of, he ripped himself away from dipping, knocking over their study table and fumbling a few steps until he was far enough away that dipping couldn’t touch him. 

After Yamaguchi had calmed down enough to at least regain normal breathing techniques, he slowly turned around to face Tsukki, intent on giving Tsukki an explanation he knew he didn’t have. Tsukki didn’t look mad, per say. In fact, Tsukki had closed off his features until only the faintest sense of concern and confusion could be seen behind his eyes, which Tadashi could only see because he had known Tsukki so long and had learnt how to read him. 

After a few more minutes of silent staring, Tsukki reclined his body back to rest against his bed, bending one leg up while the other remained flat and crossed his arms across his chest. 

“What’s going on?” was all Tsukki said. He didn’t sound mad, but he didn’t sound happy either. 

“Sorry Tsukki!” Yamaguchi shot out. Whether it was due to an innate reaction, or because of his sudden fleeing form Tsukki moments ago, Yamaguchi wasn’t sure. But he liked to believe it was the latter. 

“What’s going on?” Tsukki repeated, voice still steady and indifferent. 

Yamaguchi knew this was the prime moment to tell Tsukki the truth, tell Tsukki all the thoughts and feeling which had be keeping him up at night. However even now, Yamaguchi couldn’t find the words. His mind had turned to mush and his throat had closed up. 

Seconds ticked by into minutes, and the silence grew deafening. Yamaguchi’s also noticed that Tsukki was slowly becoming more irritated as the silence went on. Yamaguchi knew that if he didn’t say something now, it was just going to make everything worse. 

So, gathering all his courage, Yamaguchi sputtered out the first things that came to his mind. 

“I don’t want to have sex with you!” 

It wasn’t until he saw the shock (and hurt) that appeared on Tsukki face did Yamaguchi register his own words and his eyes widen in horror. 

“Wait- no, Tsukki- that, that wasn’t what I-“ but Tsukki was cutting him off. 

“Okay.” Was all Tsukki said, his face hard and cold. 

Tsukki moved forward to re-set up the table which Yamaguchi had previously knocked over and went about gathering his papers to go back to studying. Not once looking at Yamaguchi. 

Yamaguchi felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest. He felt like he was going to vomit all over the place, or cry, or all three things at once. He knew he had to make this better with Tsukki before Tsukki got the wrong idea and this all became unfixable. 

Getting on his knees opposite Tsukki, Yamaguchi longed to reach out and touch his hand, but his fear of receiving Tsukki cool stare prevented him. 

“Tsukki, that wasn’t what I meant!” Yamaguchi started in desperation, “it all came out wrong! I didn’t mean I don’t want have sex with you specifically, I meant I don’t have sex at all! With anyone!” 

Tsukki stopped writing and looked up. His gaze was cool, but there was obvious curiosity mixed in as well. 

“What do you mean by that?”

Yamaguchi almost wanted to weep with joy that Tsukki wasn’t mad enough with him to tell him to shut up and get out. Yet, at the same time, this was the moment Yamaguchi had always feared would come, and now it was here, Yamaguchi felt at a loss as to what to do or so. Even so, Yamaguchi tried to explain it in the best way he could, despite not really understanding it himself

“Umm…well…you see…I don’t want to have sex with anyone because it feels…wrong. I feel fear and nauseous whenever I think about myself having sex, like I want everyone to stop touching me or I want to run away. I don’t…I don’t really get turned on when I look at guys or girls. I mean, I don’t think I ever have really felt turned on at all.

But… I know I like holding you hand, I know I like cuddling with you, and I know I like kissing you. But Tsukki, even though I love you, I just…I can’t have sex with you”

Yamaguchi looked down at the table, tears starting to form in the corner of his eyes. His hands were balled into fists resting on his knees. 

Tsukki was silent for a moment, before asking “Can’t or won’t?” 

Yamaguchi didn’t really understand the difference, but he answered nevertheless. 

With his head still down, he whispered a small “can’t” because his voice was not being able to carry itself any higher. 

If Yamaguchi thought the silence was bad before, then he was unable to explain how bad this silence was. As he sat waiting for Tsukki to comprehend what he was saying, Yamaguchi started to prepare himself for Tsukki to break up with him, to start hating him and say all the mean things he usually reserved for the people at school. To throw him out of his house and demand that Yamaguchi stay the hell away from him because he was a broken, useless, horrible piece of- 

“So you’re asexual then?” 

Yamaguchi’s head shot up. What was that? Why wasn’t Tsukki shouting at him? Why wasn’t Tsukki breaking up with him and throwing him out on the street? Why was Tsukki looking at him with such fondness he reserved only for Yamaguchi? 

“W-wh-what?” Yamaguchi said, dumbfounded.

“Asexual. Meaning you don’t experience sexual attraction.”

Asexual. Yamaguchi had never heard the word before, but if what Tsukki was saying was true, then it fit him to a T. 

Tsukki apparently wasn’t expecting any sort of response from Yamaguchi and continued on,

“Alright, so sex is off the table, that’s fine. We can just go about as we were before.” Tsukki shrugged. 

What. Hold on. Did Yamaguchi hear correctly? Did Tsukki say it was fine?!?

“Wait Tsukki! Is it really fine? Are you seriously okay with being in a relationship with me and not having any sex?!” 

Tsukki looked up at him, irritation etched onto his face,

“There is more to a relationship than sex, Yamaguchi.”

The disapproving tone in Tsukki’s voice made Yamaguchi feel very small. But even then, Yamaguchi couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Relief ran through him, like water breaking free from a dam. The tears finally fell from his eyes, but these ones weren’t due to sadness of being broken or abnormal, but because Tsukki had accepted him! Treated him as if what he was feeling was normal and still wanted to be with him. 

“Why are you crying?!” Tsukki exclaimed, quickly coming around to sit beside Yamaguchi. 

“I’m sorry Tsukki!” Yamaguchi sobbed out, “I just thought you’d hate me and not want to be with me anymore once you found out!” 

“Pathetic,” Tsukki muttered out, “I know I can be an asshole, but did you really think I would leave you just because of this? I’m not that bad!” 

Tsukki pulled Yamaguchi into his lap and held him more securely to his chest, his hands running up and down his back soothingly.  
Tsukki lowered his face into Yamaguchi’s hair, muttering something. 

“What was that?” Yamaguchi asked. 

Tsukki let out a grunt, but spoke up and repeated,

“I said I love you too”

Yamaguchi blinked up at Tsukki’s chin, noticing how Tsukki’s ears were red. Suddenly, Tsukki’s words hit him, and Yamaguchi reached up to throw his arms around Tsukki’s neck, bursting out into another set of tears, this time accompanied with laughter and a smile so wide his cheeks started to ache. 

“Shut up, Yamaguchi”

**Author's Note:**

> As an asexual person, I think there is not enough asexual fanfics out there. So when I had this idea of Ace!Yamaguchi and super supportive Tsukki at like 3am, I decided to write it out. I hope its easy enough to follow and sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this fic!


End file.
